Story So Far… (spoilers)
Spoilers ahoy! Want to get up to speed on the plot (or remind yourself of great moments past) with a minimum of muss or fuss? These capsule reviews are a great place to start.
Day One - Halloween
Eric has seen better days. He works a menial job, spends his free time
glued to his couch, and hasn’t eaten anything but raisins for three days.
Not to mention he’s been dumped like a sack of potatoes, and Ashley, his
ex-girlfriend is coming over to drop off his spare key.
When she arrives, he shows all the compassion of a shellfish, she leaves
in a huff, and he returns to the couch for a good bout of self-loathing.
Just another day in the life.
Bruce is about as chipper a fellow as you’ll ever meet. There’s a hop in
his step, he smiles at strangers, and helping old ladies cross the street
goes without saying. Oh, and he’s dead.
Being a socially-conscious zombie, he volunteers time pamphleteering on
behalf of the National Institute of Zombie Advancement. On this
particular Halloween, he finds himself dispensing the good word in a local
apartment building. Preparing to knock on his twenty-sixth door, it flies
open, and out comes Ashley, fresh from her unpleasant encounter with Eric.
They collide, Bruce goes down like a skinny linebacker, and the pamphlets
fly.
Most zombies might think this was a sign, but not Bruce. As soon as he’s
up, he launches into his spiel. Ashley listens, but it’s nothing she
hasn’t heard before. She leaves without a pamphlet.
But one thought lingers in her mind as she leaves: that zombie guy showed
more zest in three minutes than Eric has in the last six months…
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Sam and Bridget are your average newly-wed couple. They enjoy long walks
in the park. They drag each other to bad movies. They have a licensed
firearm in their bag.
We find them taking in another steaming pile of schlock at the local
megaplex; Sam, as usual, hating every second. Bridget doesn’t mind the
movie. However, she’s not a big fan of Sam talking loudly and answering
cell phone calls. Neither is the rest of the audience.
Tempers flare, threats are made, and in the darkness Sam and Bridget slink
away, hoping no one will notice the movie-goer they left unconscious in
the aisles.
It’s a bad night, no matter how you look at it. Despite the pleasant
interlude with Bruce, Ashley is still faced with the fact that she’s now
single, walking home alone on Halloween night. Punks in masks hassle her,
zombiphobes force flyers down her throat, and…why is that strange, hunched
figure following her?
She speeds up, and the hunched figure matches her speed. There’s no doubt
about it: she’s being chased. Keys in fist, she turns a corner and…
…runs directly into Bruce for the second time. He falls, pamphlets fly,
the whole works. She helps him up, and then looks behind her. It’s
empty. No creepy figure. Strange.
Bruce, the eternal (literally) gentleman, offers to walk her home. She
hesitates, but there’s something about his smiling, slightly decayed face
that makes her feel…safe.
They head for her apartment, side by side.
Chances are you’ve met Joell before. He’s the kid who works the late
shift at your corner store. He stocks the shelves at your supermarket. He
couldn’t care less about his job, and yet he’s always there, ready to give
you sub-par service whenever you need it.
Now he works the ticket booth of a theatre, the very same theatre Sam and
Bridget are now exiting. Sam, not knowing any better, decides to butt
heads with Joell. He claims ‘breach of contract’ over their tickets. The
ads before the movie, he says, are unlawful violations of the
theatre/customer contract. He bends his every brain cell, every ounce of
wit, to convince this young slacker that he should give them a refund.
Joell tells him there’s a half-hour rule.
Sam, beaten (and he is not often beaten), leaves with Bridget, still
trying to figure out how he was bested by an apathetic fifteen-year-old
kid.
Eric, asleep on his couch, is woken by a call from work, asking him to
come in for the evening. Being a directionless sap, he agrees. He
showers, shaves, and then realizes that it is, in fact Halloween, and he
should put at least a little effort into a costume. He tries a variety
on, and finally decides to go as Woody from Toy Story. Sort of. (He’s got
the hat, at least.)
On the way out, he finds a pamphlet which Bruce has slid under his door.
‘What Does Death Mean to You?’ it asks in soft, pastel letters. What does
death mean indeed…
Eric, despite his innocent appearance, is the worst kind of subversive.
He is a collector of politically incorrect zombie memorabilia.
Specifically, zombie movies of the late 20th and early 21st centuries.
From time to time, he procures a copy of said movies for interested
parties. Understandably, he does not want to draw undue attention to his
activities.
Bentley, Eric’s co-worker, has other ideas. He thinks it’s about the
coolest thing he’s ever heard, and the more he can advertise for his good
buddy Eric, the better. Where better to advertise than Monopoly Video,
where they both work?
When Bentley refers a new client, Eric feigns ignorance, but how in good
conscience could you keep such fine films from interested audiences? He
gives in, a time is set for the exchange, and Eric goes back to the
mind-numbing task of rewinding videos. Why don’t people rewind? It’s
unkind.
The last thing anyone wants is to be yelled at by a loved one trained in
several ancient forms of combat, and with a loaded gun in easy reach. Sam
is currently living this nightmare, trapped in a car with an irate
Bridget. She’s had enough of his rudeness, and incessant cell phone
conversations, and ticket-finagling.
Sam, at this point, has only one hope for survival: thinly veiled
innuendo. It takes some work, but with a promise not to whip his gun out
in public, he gets her to crack a smile.
Charm and phallic references save the day again
Eric sits in the local pub, staring up at a television set. He is
watching the fifth Brains Cola commercial to play in the last hour when
Sam shows up to try and comfort him after the breakup.
They order a couple of drinks, and Sam tries to console Eric by spouting
every profanity against the fairer sex that he can think of. Eric,
despite his best efforts to be depressed, cracks a smile.
The conversation continues, and Eric starts quizzing Sam on what he and
Bridget are up to. Sam refuses to tell him, saying that their project is
‘volatile’. Eric gives up, and they both turn to watch yet another Brains
Cola commercial.
‘Brains Cola! The taste to die for!’
By the time Ashley and Bruce reach her apartment, Ashley is quizzing him
on zombiism. He, ever amiable, answers her questions with a smile.
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She invites him in for a drink, he accepts, and they settle in. She
recounts her falling out with Eric, he talks about his ongoing love of
cola, and they both find they kind of like each other. He stares into her
eyes, she stares back, and in true romantic style, he drops his cola,
spilling it everywhere.
Flustered, Bruce rushes from the apartment in embarrassment. Ashley cleans
up the mess, and then heads over to her answering machine, but the only
thing waiting for her is her old message: ‘Hi, you’ve reached Ashley. If
I’m not picking up, me and Eric are probably making out.’
She has a moment of nostalgia. Was it really so bad with Eric that it
couldn’t be fixed? It was good once. Right?
With a determined look in her eyes, and steel in her stride, she picks up
her keys and heads out the door.
Eric and Sam have found their drinking party inadvertently doubled. One
new member is Bentley, Eric’s fellow video jockey, and the other is
Bentley’s roommate, a marketing executive from the Monad agency, who goes
by the appellation ‘Evan’. He is, he claims, the pioneer behind the Brains
Cola commercial campaign.
Eric perks up, and Evan begins to lay it on thick, doling out all the
sales figures and demographic percentages he can think of. With each new
fact, Evan gets more excited, and Eric gets more furious.
Before Evan can finish his self-glorifying spiel, Eric shouts him down and
storms off. Sam gives chase, leaving a bewildered Evan and Bentley behind.
Bentley, of course, calls dibs on Sam’s unfinished beer.
With zombies and cola and apartment keys swirling in his mind, Eric heads
for the door, wanting anything but to be around other people. Sam brings
him up short, forcing him to stop and talk about what’s bugging him.
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He apologizes for making a scene. ‘I’ve got nothing against zombies as
zombies,’ he says, ‘but aren’t we moving a little fast? Dangling this
carrot in front of their faces…’
Sam, in the face of his friend’s vulnerability, gives in a little and
agrees to let him know what he and Bridget have been doing. They are
entrepreneurs. They are on the ground floor of a growth industry. They are
rogue zombie contract killers.
Based on shaky but convincing evidence, they have theorized that, despite
the zombies’ agreement to turn no more humans into the undead, there are
mavericks out there, still hunting humans. The zombie population is, in
fact, growing.
Sam and Bridget, knowing the PR nightmare this will become, have decided
to hire themselves out to take care of these problems. By whatever means
necessary.
The night, which began badly enough for Eric, only got worse. But now at
least he’s home. He sheds his coat and empties his pockets, but as he
spills coins and receipts, something catches his eye. It is a pamphlet
sporting ‘What Does Death Mean to You?’, and a website address at the
bottom. More interested than he is sleepy, he pulls up a chair at his
computer and looks up the website.
Over the next hour, he moves from page to page, finding everything from
Zombie Pride marches to Living Supremacy sites. One rather sketchy site in
particular catches his eye. He prints out the contact information, and
returns to his search.
This time, for no good reason, he types in ‘zombies + porn’, and finds a
plethora of undead smut. This, of course, is the moment Ashley chooses to
make her surprise appearance.
He turns off the monitor, rips the speakers out of their sockets, but it’s
all for naught. She storms out for the second time, with a new-found
disgust. Eric watches her go, knowing that he deserves every iota of her
anger.
While Sam is out consoling Eric, Bridget is locked in mortal combat with her arch-nemesis: numbers. Even with the help of her trusty calculator, she cannot get the books to balance. When Sam finally returns home, she uses it as an excuse to give up. Accounting: 1, Bridget: 0.
Sam, after a long night of commiserating, is feeling amorous. However, it’s not as simple as he thinks. Bridget, in full tax mode, first has to consider his application for nookie, weighing its merits against its drawbacks. Sam trots out his romantic resume: “I’m cute. I know ten words in Italian. I’m not directly linked to any paramilitary groups.”
After some negotiation, she gives in, and they spend the last dwindling hours of Halloween in each other’s arms.
Day Two - February 13
105 days have slid past, another year has come to a close, winter has arrived in force, and human - zombie relations have taken a few more tentative steps forward.
Eric, however, is still lying asleep on his couch, T.V. blaring, shrimp crackers at hand. It is 11:44. Eric’s shift started at 11:00.
The phone rings and Eric bounds up, ready for a good tongue-lashing from Chad. But no harsh scolding is forthcoming, it’s a mysterious voice talking about research dossiers and shady meetings. Strange. And stranger still, Eric seems to understand what this voice is saying.
Time and place are set for a rendez-vous and this shadowy organization and Eric gets ready for another soul sucking shift at Monopoly Video.
Working at an insurance office is nightmarish enough as it is, but try spending day after day telling members of the Living Impaired that they are not legally permitted to claim their own life insurance.
Ashley finds herself in just this situation, meeting with her fifth disatisfied customer that day. He insists that he should receive all compensation, given the fact that he no longer has a life for them to insure. Ashley stresses yet again that he is a member of the Living Undead, not to mention undeath is considered an Act of God, and therefore not covered under his policy. He storms out of her office just in time to knock Bruce flying.
Ashley welcomes Bruce in and prepares for their pre-Valentines Day date, just taking enough time to grab her coat and give her co-worker the finger.
Looks like things may be looking up for at least one member of the Dead End Days family.
At long last, after hour upon hour wasted at her mind-numbing job, Ashley is free to go out on her date with Bruce. And, by all indications, this could be the best pre-Valentines-Day-Friday-the-13th date ever. On the bill are bowling, racquetball, pool, photobooth wackiness, a stop at the playground, and that old standby, snow angels in the graveyard.
Bruce, Ashley decides, is most definitely more lively than Eric. Heartbeat or no heartbeat.
XVII:
Eric, with all the eagerness of a cabbage taking a tour of the sauerkraut factory, has returned for another shift at Monopoly Video. Time for eight hours of rewinding tapes, redeeming coupons and helping misguided teens find Crossroads 2: Britney Boogaloo. Eight hours of hell, in other words.
Chad, however, has other plans, and they are not much of an improvement. While Eric was at home sleeping, Chad decided it would be in the best interests of the company to snoop through his locker. And therein, he found a rather suspicious dossier titled “An Independant Investigation of Current Policies and Politics Relating to The Living Undead by Eric Campbell.” Confronted with this, Eric is at a loss for words. There are certain people Eric would like very much to see his report, but Chad is most definitely not one of them.
But he will not be intimidated. Taking back his dossier, he storms out of the building, pausing only long enough to get the last word in the exchange:
“Stay bad, Chad. Stay bad.”
XIX:
Bruce and Ashley’s date is winding down, and they find themselves in deep conversation about the difference between the living and the undead. Bruce shares his feelings on the prejudice, the stereotypes, and the forbidden lust for brains. And Ashley, it seems, likes what she hears.
Things are going perfectly until Bruce utters those ill-fated words: “C’mon, I know a shortcut.”
True to form, the shortcut goes bad when three young hecklers start giving Bruce a bad time. He’s fine ignoring them, but when they drag Ashley into it, that’s where he draws the line. Unfortunately, the hecklers are itching for a fight.
Bruce goes down like a cardboard cutout, and Ashley steps up. She lays one of the punks flat, but the other two grab her before she can get in another swing. Things are looking bad until Bruce enters the fray again.
While the others are dealing with Ashley, Bruce grabs the fallen punk by the head, and makes it clear to all three of them that he’s not fooling around. “One bite and he turns!” This is too much for the punks, and they drop Ashley and get while the getting’s good.
There is more to Bruce, it seems, than meets the eye…
Evan Sharpe, self-proclaimed ‘pioneer’ in the field of zombie-related marketing, has been doing well for himself. Brains Cola is the biggest thing to hit the market in years, and he’s the one who thought it up. He is a rising star in the world of advertising. However, Evan cannot entirely leave his past behind. It clings to him in the form of Garrett, his ceiling-gazing comrade we met in episode 0. Garrett sees what Evan has, and he wants it for himself. Trouble is, he can’t come up with a good idea to save his life.
Garrett has somehow overheard that Evan is meeting with zombie superstar Johnny Numbskull later that day. This is his chance. He sneaks up to the third floor, forces his way past Evan’s secretary, and tries his best to convince Evan that he is essential to the Numbskull project. However, he soon realizes that he is the proverbial snowball in hell. Evan ejects him as quickly, and as gracelessly, as he can. Garrett is again staring at the door of the penthouse office from the wrong side.
Evan, meanwhile, has already put Garrett out of his mind. Numbskull will be there in only a few hours, and still he has to familiarize himself with the entire history of the Numbskull show.
Eric, surprisingly, is feeling pretty good. He’s shed the unwelcome
baggage that was his video-store job, he’s written quite possibly the most
comprehensive study of current government policy regarding the undead, and
he’s been sought out by a highly secretive organization because of his
knowledge. Nothing can crush his mood.
Except perhaps, his former flame making out with a zombie right in front
of his face.
This, unfortunately is the sight that greets his eyes the moment he steps
into the Cranium Cafe. Without noticing him, Ashley and Bruce head off on
their own way, leaving a very confused Eric behind them. Now is not the
time for a sketchy meet-and-greet, Eric decides.
Before he can leave, however, a mysterious figure calls him back. Tucked
away behind a houseplant is Dennis, a member of the shadowy organization
that called Eric that morning. Dennis gives him a new set of directions,
which will lead him to the groups regular meeting.
Eric’s life, if not exactly good, is certainly getting more interesting by
the day.
Sam & Bridget aren’t doing so well in the new year. Their business has been sliding down the proverbial hill. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say it is buried under the hill, and burrowing its way deeper.
The last of their money is gone, the last of their pamphlets have been pamphleteered, and on top of it all, the cheese on Sam’s burger is processed, when the menu clearly said it would be real. And insult to injury, when he calls someone to complain, who should appear but the magnificently underwhelming employee, Joell.
Bridget is ready to throw in the towel, and Sam is busy doing verbal battle with Joell when the phone rings. The voice on the other end asks for Brainstorm Enterprises. It is, at long last, a business call.
A time is set to meet, a refund for the burger is gained, and Sam & Bridget are on their way victorious. But behind them, one irate teenager is glaring daggers at their backs.
Revenge, thy name is Joell.
Johnny Numbskull, King of Cool, Ambassador of Amputation, Demagog of Dismemberment, has arrived in Evan’s office. But he’s not exactly what Evan expected. He is quiet and awkward, with all the poise of an albatross. Then again, what can you expect from someone who makes his living by hacking his own limbs off on a weekly basis.
Worst of all, though, he seems to have absolutely no interest in marketing jargon. Evan gives him everything he has: target demographics, focus group statistics, cross-promotional opportunities. And Johnny just sits there, blank-eyed.
As Evan sees his dreams of marketing stardom dying before his eyes, Garrett decides to make one last grab for success. He comes flying in the door, spewing buzzwords like a man gone mad, but faster than he can say “Synergy!†Evan boots him back out.
But the ridiculous scene is enough to wake Johnny’s interest. Still laughing, he agrees to sign up with Evan. And to seal the deal, he pulls out the old cleaver-through-the-wrist trick, and leaves Evan holding his disembodied hand mid-handshake.
Evan can only wonder how much it would go for on Ebay.
Sam and Bridget are out of their element. There are no walking dead to face, no irate cashiers to shout down, no tax claims to fill out. Only a few empty chairs, and a very small, very blank waiting room.
Blank, except for a series of small, duplicate posters showing a decidedly dead hand shaking a decidedly living one, with the caption “We Can Do it Together!” emblazoned along the bottom. The signature image of the National Institute for Zombie Advancement.
Is a pro-zombie institution the best place to advertise your rogue zombie contract killing service? Probably not. Will Sam and Bridget do it anyway? Hell yes. They have bills to pay, after all.
Instruction card in hand and Evil Dead video tape in tow, Eric begins searching the streets for the elusive cult he has been in contact with. The card leads him to a payphone in the middle of the night, where he is to wait for a call.
But oddly enough, the cult is not what’s on Eric’s mind. It is the kiss he saw through the Cranium Café window: Ashley, snogging a stranger. A dead stranger to boot. It plays over and over again in his mind, and in an attempt to stave it off, he makes a desperate call to Ashley’s number. The machine picks up. He hangs up the phone.
A second later, the phone rings. When Eric answers, the line is silent. Nervously, he pleads his case into the receiver, waiting for his contact to give him further instructions. Unfortunately, it’s not his contact on the other end. It’s Ashley’s answering machine, dialing him back.
Immediately after, the phone rings again, and this time a raspy voice directs Eric on to the meeting point. He moves on, but in the back of his mind he wonders what Ashley will make of the incriminating message he’s just left accidentally on her machine.
They’ve trained. They’ve drilled. They’ve made cue cards. And now, the time has come: Sam and Bridget are making their first sales pitch for their fledgling zombie-hunting business. To a zombie.
Not the perfect conditions, but they press on through, making their points clearly and concisely, even if there is a distinct possibility they will be killed at the end of the meeting. It’s now or never.
Ms. Lewis, the zombie, is more receptive than expected, however. It seems humans aren’t the only ones feeling the political pinch when it comes to rogue undead. Sam and Bridget leave the meeting not only alive, but with a promise of contracts to come.
So they’ve got the gig. Now they just have to pull it off. How hard can it be to kill a zombie?
It’s been a long but satisfying Friday the 13th for Bruce and Ashley, despite the best efforts of anti-zombie thugs. But things aren’t done yet for this burgeoning romance. Ashley has staged a surprise for Bruce: a fridge full of Brains brand product. What a sweetie.
Bruce’s reaction isn’t exactly what she had hoped, though. As he takes in the plethora of zombie marketing before him, something in his eye changes. His smile fades, his brow drops, and almost silently, he whispers one word: “Brains…”
Unsuspecting, Ashley continues to dig for a band-aid for his injured head. He comes at her without warning, and before she can react her head is inches away from his teeth.
Bruce stops. For a moment he hovers over her, moments away from turning Ashley into a zombie. But something in him keeps him from biting her. He struggles a moment, and the better side of him wins out. He drops Ashley, and runs out of the apartment before he can do more harm.
But left alone, Ashley doesn’t find herself afraid, or angry, or confused. Instead, she only feels… disappointed.
At last, Eric finds himself in the midst of the strange cult he has been trying to find. They’re not exactly what he might have hoped, but beggars can’t be choosers, right? Besides, their leader Connor is interested in the information he’s gathered, and that’s the important thing. At last someone he can discuss societal issues with.
Eric takes the chance to outline some of the more important facts in his dossier: the lack of information on zombie population numbers, the large amount of control held by NIZA, and the general refusal to face the problem of rogue zombies. He also makes clear that the problem is with the governmental handling of the issue, not the undead themselves. “It’s not that I have anything against zombies.”
Those, apparently, are the magic words, because Connor launches into a grand and sweeping speech on the aims of their group. “We are not anti-zombie,” he finishes, “we are pro-brain!”
Eric can’t quite decide if he’s found humanity’s last hope, or his life has just hit a new low.
Day Three - June 10
Larson is having a good day. The sun is shining, the grass is green, beautiful women are glancing his way. Oh, and he just won a $1.5 million dollar lawsuit against Monopoly Life Insurance. Not a bad day at all.
That is, until he opens his door and finds Sam inside, pointing a gun at him.
Sam and Bridget have been trailing a particularly nasty rogue zombie for a few weeks now, and there’s just one piece missing in the puzzle: the name of the undeath dealer she works through. Larson, being a client of hers, has the information they need. Not only that, but with over a million dollars coming his way, he has every reason not to want this particular business transaction to come to light, since his being paid rests on the fact that he died of ‘natural causes’. So, with a little coercion and the bribe of a brain-shaped mound of tofu, he gives up the name.
Sure he broke his contract with the rogue zombie. But hey, he still gets his money, right?
Eric’s settled into something of a groove with his newfound Pro-Brainer brethren. He placates Dennis, Phil, and Jordan with selections from his extensive collection of classic but politically incorrect zombie movies, while he and Connor take long, hard looks at any recent development in the Previously Deceased integration movement.
But Jordan’s unexplained exodus from the group is the first ominous sign that the Pro-Brainers are about to veer wildly off-course. Connor, for his part, seems wholly (and uncharacteristically) uninterested in the news of Larson’s life insurance lawsuit victory, which Eric sees as laying the groundwork for “death incentives”. Connor’s got bigger fish to fry - an informant is en route to meet with the group, a dude who’s got some info on some zombie who bites people for cash.
Enter Barrista Brad.
Seems Barrista’s brother is an Undeath Dealer operating out of the basement of their parent’s coffee house - the Cranium Café - and Brad is sick to…er…fed up with the whole arrangement. And he’s not too pleased with his brother either. Eric, unimpressed, gives Brad the third degree until Connor takes Eric aside and lays down the law.
They return to give Barrista their undivided attention, but the only thing he wants to know is: Are they gonna bust his brother or not?
Bruce has sure seen better days. You spend your days pamphleteering for the good of zombie-kind, only to meet a really nice girl who makes you feel as alive (and that’s something). The two of you hit it off, you spend Valentines together, and then, inexplicably, you try to eat her. Talk about bum luck.
Bruce has been holed up for the past few months undergoing some severe introspection, trying to figure out what prompted him to attack the girl he loved.
Well, he thinks he knows the answer, and he’s going to tell his erstwhile boss, Ms. Lewis. But she ain’t gonna like it.
Sam and Bridget are on a roll. With Larson putting the last piece of the puzzle into place, (and with the requisite city map and red yarn) our diligent duo have traced the source of the latest Rogue Zombie scourge down to…the Cranium Café.
With Lewis on the line, Sam relays the good news while Bridget takes care of some outstanding paperwork. To Sam’s surprise, Lewis decides to send through the address and a photograph of another Rogue - who may or may not be the same one he and Bridget are currently tracking.
As the fax faxes, Sam and Bridget do some cartographical reorganization, connect a few dots, whip out the requisite blueprints, and plot the finer details or their upcoming excursion - and all to the tune of some funky beats, no less.
Ashley hasn’t seen Bruce since he tried to eat her. He hasn’t come to see her and won’t return her calls. Ashley’s made some big “life” decisions in the interim…or, rather, “death” decisions. She’s giving Bruce one last chance to talk to her face to face before…
Though expressing herself is not her forte, Ashley’s decided to drop in on Bruce, and deliver a letter, one of those “pour your heart out” deals. Bruce is either not home or he won’t answer the door, so Ashley leaves the letter wedged in the door, and departs.
Outside, Ashley gets into a car with…that shady Undeath Dealer dude, Duncan! Say what?
Bridget, fresh on the scene to stake out the Rogue’s apartment, sees the dealer drive off with someone she can only presume is a client, and decides to pursue them. She phones Sam, on a roof across the street from the Café (taking some photographs for archival purposes), and they have a brief confab. If Duncan’s got a client then there’s business afoot, and they might be able to nab their Rogue tonight.
Duncan is driving Ashley to the Cranium Café. He does what he can to make her as uncomfortable as possible. Jerk.
Sam - now inside the Café - returns from “using the bathroom”, orders a water, and takes a seat.
Duncan delivers a nervous Ashley at the Café’s alley entrance, then swings around out front and makes his way inside - straight past Sam, busy conferring with Bridget, who quickly signs off. The barrista and his brother exchange the usual courtesies as our Undeath Dealer makes his way downstairs.
Downstairs, Ashley is told to make herself comfortable. The Rogue will be along shortly.
As the barrista delivers Sam’s water, the light bulb goes on - Sam’s that guy from the movie theatre all those many moons ago who wouldn’t shut the fuck up. A bitter confrontation ensues, and just when it looks like Sam’s ass is grass, Bridget puts the kybosh to the faceoff with a gavel-sized fist to the face. The barrista drops, and hard.
Bridget retreats to the bathroom to set up shop.
So far, things seem to be running rather smoothly for our intrepid Rogue Zombie hunters. The barrista is taken care of, Bridget’s setting up in the bathroom, and Sam is holding down the fort at the front counter. Who should appear out of nowhere but our stalwart spoke in the corporate wheel - Joell! Oh, how the tables have turned! The customer service specialist has now become the customer! And Joell’s gonna milk this for all it’s worth.
Joell orders a latté. “Easy on the foam.”
Outside, not a half-block away, the Pro-Brainers pull up in Dennis’ mom’s car with Connor at the wheel. They park and settle to wait for “the signal”.
Café bathroom. Nifty montage sequence: Bridget prepares!
Sam is just finishing up Joell’s latté, which is something of a miracle since he had no idea how to make a latté. With Sam distracted, and Joell basking in the moment, what a perfect time for a mysterious figure to slip past…
Downstairs, the Rogue - our beloved Audrey from Episode 12 - finally arrives. Duncan makes the mistake of pointing out her tardiness, and the next thing he knows, he’s being hoisted into the air by the neck.
Audrey discards the groveling Duncan, and turns her attention to her prey…er…client. Ashley.
Oh infantile bickering, thy name is Dennis and Connor. After some lewd comments from Dennis, Connor delivers an ultimatum, and the two look ready to have it out like spoiled siblings when a surprisingly observant Phil sees Bruce walking…sort of…briskly - with intention! - towards the Cranium Café (though where Phil thinks he sees a tree is anybody’s guess). Eric recognizes Bruce from February, when he saw Bruce and Ashley kissing outside the Café. He makes to go after Bruce, but Connor holds him back. “We wait for the signal!” Against his better judgment, Eric relents.
Back inside, Joell continues to mete out his revenge on Sam. It would seem Karmic Justice is best served in a cup topped with foam. Maybe nutmeg. And definitely…
Bruce ‘bursts’ into the Café looking for Ashley. Sam redirects to the bathroom and Bruce follows directions (that was surprisingly easy). For his part, Joell seems awfully put out to have been interrupted.
Bruce. Bathroom. Looking for Ashley. Sees feet under the stall. Starts explaining to her that… Why exactly is there a sheet of plastic on the ground right under his feet…?
…downstairs, Audrey’s about to deliver the goods…
…the stall door swings open. It’s Bridget! With an axe! And the next thing Bruce knows, that axe is embedded four inches into his collarbone. Bruce drops.
Startled by the noise upstairs, Audrey stops. Duncan decides to go upstairs and check out the noise. He instructs Audrey to hold off.
Bridget hacks away. All in a days work.
Sam presents Joell with his latté. Again. Joell sips. Swooshes. Swallows.
“Foam’s burnt.”
Well that’s the last straw for Sam. They let loose, and as the argument escalates, Sam decides to top things off with a fist to Joell’s jaw. Joell drops. Bridget enters from the bathroom. Duncan enters from downstairs. Bridget pitches a spinning axe at Duncan, and it connects, knocking Duncan out cold.
We double back in time a few minutes, and catch up with Duncan (the Undeath Dealer) on his way upstairs to investigate these mysterious “thumping” noises. In the meantime, Audrey strikes up a conversation with a visibly nervous Ashley. Seems that not only does Audrey have a knack for guessing a person’s age, but she’s something of a philosopher as well, and wonders aloud why people love to feel deprived. “What’s this big empty black hole you can’t figure out how to fill?” “I don’t know,” Ashley replies.
Having worked up quite the lather, Audrey’s instincts get the better of her, and she dives in for some skull candy, only to be rudely interrupted by another thump from upstairs - Duncan hitting the floor after getting an axe handle to the head. Audrey splits. Ashley sits, stunned.
Bridget goes for the car; Sam drags Bruce’s body out the back. Audrey makes her way upstairs, runs into Sam. Sam whips out his…gun, and chases Audrey out the back. Audrey is nearly run down by Bridget. Bridget gets out of the car, axe in hand, and joins Sam. Audrey’s gone. Sam returns to the café to clean up.
Dennis annoys Connor. Connor tries to strangle Dennis. Eric escapes, makes his way into the café - which is seemingly empty. Eric peers over the counter, and finds a pile of unconscious people - Joell, Duncan, and Barista Brad. Enter Sam. Confused, the two exchange courtesies. Awkward, Sam leaves. Eric furrows his eyebrows.
Sam gets back to the car. Sam and Bridget leave.
Ashley wanders out into the back alley…
Ashley walks. And walks, and walks and walks and walks. There’s a lot of walking going on, all Ashley-related. Oh the walking Ashley does! The audio clips she remembers! All the important sound-bites from the past nine-odd months…
…and finds herself at the very alley from whence her zombie pursuer emerged all those many moons ago.
She walks into the alley, and who should appear but the previously deceased leg-dragger himself. Ashley closes her eyes as the zombie approaches, steeling herself for the inevitable….
Nothing.
Ashley opens her eyes, to find one dead hand holding one Eric’s toothbrush.
As Sam and Bridget confab about the myriad irregularities in and of the shit that just went down, our merry band of Pro-Brainers have returned to Dennis’ mom’s basement with their catch - the Rogue Zombie Audrey, now securely fashioned to a chair. With rope.
Not entirely sure how to proceed, it’s only a matter of seconds before the ice gives and Dennis and Connor are at each other’s throats again. Finally fed up with this crap, Eric demands a conference with Connor outside.
Eric tries to reason with Connor - they have to take this Rogue to the police. But Connor’s having none of it. “She’s our catch,” he says, “and we’re taking her to the press.” Surprised by this sudden shift in priorities, Eric asks one too many sensible questions, and Connor - citing irreconcilable differences - tells Eric to shove off.
Eric leaves, Connor heads back inside to find Audrey’s chair empty, the rope in shreds, Phil lying on the floor with a gaping head wound, and Audrey…on top of Dennis…doing something… Making out?
Well, actually, she’s tearing a strip of flesh off his newly aerated skull.
Audrey turns her attention to shocked self-proclaimed leader of the Pro-Brainers, spits a chunk of well-chewed forehead onto the floor, and advances on the shocked Connor.
Day Four - Halloween
Day four, and back to Evan (Evan?) our favourite self-serving advertising executive (is there any other kind?) Evan’s getting his first glimpse of the Johnny Numbskull: The Movie opening night trailer. And he loves it.
Enter Garrett (poor old Garrett), stopping by to wish Evan luck on his “big night.” And he’s brought some flowers. But Garrett, never passing up an opportunity to pick at old scabs and lick the wounds beneath, starts into the Brains Cola campaign. Again.
Evan’s had enough, and he tears a proverbial strip off his erstwhile associate - and then, through an unfortunate slip of the tongue, mentions the Christmas party.
The Christmas party?
He doesn’t want to talk about the Christmas party. But, as a show of good will, an extension of the olive branch, Evan asks Garrett if he’d like to go down to the Johnny Numbskull preview and phone in a report…or whatever.
Garrett accepts, enthusiastically. A moment passes between them, and Garrett is gone.
Eric’s on the couch. Watching television. Goddamn vicious circles.
Eric falls asleep, allowing for a convenient montage of relevant visual clips amounting to an unnerving summation of zombie-related storm clouds gathering on the horizon.
Eric wakes with a start. The phone rings. He answers - silence on the other end. “Ashley?” he intuits. Click.
Making a decision to DO SOMETHING for the first time in a long time, Eric puts on some pants. And then he gathers up some materials and makes his way out the door. Go Eric!
Meanwhile, Sam’s paying a surprise visit to Ms. Lewis. Seems she’s been truant in procuring some files he requested, Bruce’s file to be exact. And what’s this - Lewis pulling some cheap evasive tactics on Sam’s ass? She can’t release Bruce’s file because…they don’t release employee files to outside contractors. Right.
Knowing, of course, that Lewis would keep such seemingly contentious materials close at hand, Sam pulls the old folded-up newspaper trick, snowballing Lewis, and acquiring Bruce’s file.
We are deep in the bowels of your standard inner-city parking garage. A beater pulls around the corner, drives the length of the garage, and parks. The driver turns off the ignition, rolls down the window and waits.
It’s Joell.
Joell shuts off the engine, pokes his head out the window and looks back down the length of the garage. He sits back down in his seat and takes a deep breath.
A hand closes over his mouth, a figure leans in, whispers: “Get in the back.”
Joell gets in the back. So does Audrey. Joell gives Audrey her “fee” (replete with rolls of pennies), and Audrey makes to bite Joell in the head.
A knock on the window. It’s a parking attendant. She wants to see Joell’s ticket. Joell reaches into the front seat to retrieve said ticket - and what’s this!?! Handcuffs? That’s no parking attendant - it’s Bridget!
Joell is cuffed to the steering-wheel as Audrey scrambles out of the car. Audrey and Bridget exchange courtesies. Audrey launches Joell’s penny-laden backpack at Bridget’s head. Audrey disappears.
Bridget tracks her down. They fight.
A newly mobilized Eric arrives at Ashley’s house. He enters the house, makes his way tentatively into the foyer and up the stairs. He hears a voice - his own voice - the message he accidentally left on Ashley’s machine lo those many months ago (and definitely didn’t hear on the other end of the phone in Episode 42). As the message plays and replays, Eric finds Ashley amidst the squalor, holding onto the answering machine as if for dear life - life she no longer has. That’s right - Ashley’s been zombified.
Eric calls out to her; Ashley springs up and bears down with teeth bared upon the shocked Eric. The element of surprise and a desperate will at her disposal, it looks like Ashley will overcome the weakening Eric. In a last-ditch effort to keep his brain in his skull where it belongs, Eric cracks wise. The gambit pays off, and in a momentary lapse, Ashley - the human Ashley - comes to.
Forty-five minutes and one pizza later, Eric and Ashley finally have a long-awaited and much needed heart to heart. Ashley reveals that it was none other than Johnny Numbskull who turned her undead - this piece clicks neatly into the puzzle slowly but surely assembling itself in Eric’s head.
He stands. Time to go.
Evan. Nervous. Pacing. At loose ends. Sifting through mail. He’s managed to end up on the charitable causes mailing list from hell. And just what the fuck does UNICEF still want from him?
Continued donation?
He buzzes Abby, asks her to cut off his UNICEF donations. But Abby ain’t there. Where’s Abby?
Evan moves to the door, takes the handle, opens the door. Nothing.
And then a familiar gloved hand grabs him by the shoulder. He spins around, startled. It’s Johnny.
They sit. They talk. Numbskull sure is cryptic tonight. And not as appreciative as Evan would expect from the “Zombre” he catapulted to the upper-echelons of celebrity.
Evan realizes he still hasn’t heard back from Garrett about the preview. He dials the digits. The phone picks up on the other end - bedlam. Screaming, glass breaking, furniture tearing-apart - and Garret, scared shitless, screaming for help. Click. The phone goes dead.
And Johnny laughs. It’s creepy.
Evan moves for the phone. Johnny’s there - yanks out the cord.
Evan moves for the door. Johnny’s there - blocking his escape.
Johnny moves Evan back and into his chair. Evan doesn’t quite get it. Johnny smiles. And attacks.
Eric phones Sam; Ashley is accosted by one gorgeous hunk of a missionary, and Sam talks to Eric as Bridget discovers that - astoundingly - Audrey has disappeared.
Some might say that the truly important information revealed in this episode concerns Audrey’s mysterious and shocking post axe-in-face escape from Bridget’s trunk, or Eric’s recruiting Sam and Bridget to meet him at the Pro-Brainers space, and to bring weapons. But it’s the young Christian missionary who, in my humble appraisal, is the true crux of the scene. Though we learn very little about his family history, his likes and dislikes, what he looks like naked; though we barely skim the surface of his rock-solid faith and diligence in spreading the gospel, though his cute apple-cheeks and rugged goatee accentuate his Ethan Hawke-esque good looks, sending the female members of the Dead End Days audience into a tremulous sexual frenzy - do we really know Young Christian? Is this seemingly perfect specimen of hot dogmatic love a riddle wrapped in an enigma or an enigma wrapped in a riddle? And, most important of all, was Jesus the original zombie?
Eric buys a newspaper. Wicked.
Oh, and then he and Ashley arrive at the Pro-Brainers space. Eric turns on a lamp (woo-hoo!) and in the midst of discussing Bruce’s surprising arrival at the Cranium Cafe, they hear a sound. But not just any sound, a Phil and Dennis kind of sound. One brief rendition of “Down by the Bay” and a quasi-heated argument by disembodied voices later, Phil materializes, then Connor, then Dennis. The Pro-Brainers have become the No-Brainers. That’s right, in death these erstwhile human supremacists have become that which they most feared in life - zombies.
The three close in on Eric and Ashley - it seems Eric is emitting a rather irresistible barbecue-like smell. But la plus ca change….it’s only a matter of moments before Dennis and Connor have engaged in more adolescent bickering. Fisticuffs ensue.
Eric and Ashley take the opportunity to bolt, but the tree-trunk that is Phil blocks their escape. Strangely rejuvenated, Phil sends Ashley flying, and with open maw makes for Eric’s head.
BANG!
A splattering of blood on Eric’s forehead. A gaping Terminator 2-esque hole in Phil’s head. Phil drops. Sam and Bridget have arrived.
“Sorry we’re late,” says Sam. “I forgot my gun.”
Bridget ties up Connor and Dennis. Sam and Ashley catch up. Bridget tries to prod Eric into tying Ashley up as well. Eric puts his foot down.
Our intrepid foursome gathers around Eric as he sums up the situation. Zombies have one instinctual want - eating brains. Advertisers capitalized on this want to sell products to zombies, but no one knows what the long-term effects of this relentless brains-related marketing could potentially result in. Johnny Numbskull: The Movie features the highest number of product placements in cinema history (not to mention the ten minutes of ads before the movie even starts). So what if the Numbskull movie is a mass-market zombie revolt primer? That many brains-related ads and products shown in rapid succession drives the zombie population over the edge and zombie revolution part two ensues?
Ashley recalls that Bruce attacked her after facing a fridge stacked with brains-related products. Bridget realizes that Ashley is the Ashley from the note she and Sam found in Bruce’s pants after he’d been dispatched at the cafe. Ashley realizes that Sam and Bridget are responsible for killing Bruce. Awkward.
Audrey chooses this moment to spring from the shadows and settle her account with Bridget. Sam leaps to her defence, only to be sent sprawling with one fat fist to the jaw. Ashley picks up Sam’s gun, lines up her shot, and blows Audrey away.
A disgusted and curious Connor and Dennis watch as Bridget saws off Audrey’s head, just for good measure.
Given the impending zombie revolution, Sam suggests they barricade themselves in the space, and wait out the worst. Eric delivers a rousing speech, your basic “doing something is better than doing nothing” spiel, and the four arm themselves to the gills, and bust out.
They make their way to a nearby mall. On the top floor is a local news station. But, being owned by a multinational corporation with subsidiaries all over the world, if they can get to the station, and get on the air, they’ll be “global in thirty minutes” (who writes this crap?)
One thing they didn’t count on, however, are the roused and rabid mobs of zombies leaving the Numbskull movie a little early.
Surrounded, outnumbered, and with a nifty crane shot to boot, Sam, Bridget, Ashley and Eric gear up to battle a frothing, teeming mass of the living impaired.
Cut to black.
